I got my hand slapped today. I am realizing that I am not as "finished" with my divorce as I thought I was. I hadn't really let it go. I was stymieing and frustrating my lawyer by not ... well not NOT cooperating. I have really really really good and loving friends, and they "interventioned" me.
This is hard. This isn't my choice, but He who knows better is allowing it to happen to me, and getting me through it. I want a road map, please, God?
Beth Moore has a short series that deals with all kinds of things, and last week it was about wanting. Wanting really bad. Wanting so much it becomes obsessive and unhealthy. When you want something that bad, Satan can use it, as can God. Wanting and obsessing can cause desperation. Decisions made out of desperation are never good ones. I have made some good decisions, but some bad ones, too. I have to let the bad ones go, and move on.
I also have realized that I can't let other people's bad and stupid decisions color my whole life. It is, right now, not just coloring, but blacking out. Depression and menopause have a very strong hold on me. I hide. I ignore. I can't sleep. I obsess. I really really really don't like a few people. They hurt me, on purpose and intentionally. That sucks!!!! If I didn't love them, it wouldn't hurt, right?
How do you stop loving someone? or a bunch of someones? A whole frigging family?
I guess it is not that hard. They managed.
Does that sound bitter? It isn't, not really. I really would like to know how to just turn it all off. 33 years of loving is a long time to just go snap....done. If I can, it would be better, easier for me.
I have LOTS to be grateful for. I do. I know it. Sometimes, though, it is HARD to focus on those things instead of the negatives.
I have plans for you, plans that will help and heal you, not harm you. Those words are precious to me. He has PLANS for me. I just wish He would tell ME what they were.
