Church and me

I am thinking about what the church is, and what it isn't. My part in it. What He intended, and what it has become.
I am not a Bible student, or a philosopher, and I only have my own opinions.
I am torn, right now, between keeping attending my current church, or searching for another. Not because I don't love it, but because I am frustrated with the people in it.
I truly believe that I am on earth to be His servant. That I actually don't know HOW he wants me to serve is a point in my frustration. I know that because I have an ego, part of me that is just IS, the ego is part of the make-up of God, because I am made in his image. Kind of weird, but still what I believe. I don't believe that that ego should get in the way of what He wants me to do. It shouldn't really matter if He wants me to clean bathrooms or be an evangelist. I would be doing what He tells me to do, and that would be the end of it. I would be as important to Him as the evangelist, and I would be doing His will. Really...I would MUCH rather clean bathrooms than get up in front of people and talk :)! He was very clear that the little toe is as important to His body as the right hand. It just seems that everyone wants to be the right hand, and no one wants to be anything else. God is made up of a bunch of right hands.....NOT!!!!
Of course, there are those that think that they should be the brain of God. That they know EXACTLY what everyone else should be doing. Infighting in church, egos flying, getting in the way, is the best tool of the devil. He always manages to get people who don't believe to find out about the worst cases of "I am so important"itis. Then they can point and say...see? they are the same (if not worse) than me, so why should I believe in their God?
The other part of being God is judgment. I am very glad I am not He that separates the saved from the lost. Those big judgments would be horrible! But I have no problem in judging the "little" things. The problem with that is that all judgment comes under the heading of "judgment" and we are told, in easy to understand terms, NOT TO JUDGE!!!! The Word doesn't say "don't judge big things" or "don't judge life and death things" or "don't judge if a person is saved". It simply says not to judge. At all. Any. None.
Only God can judge righteously, because he can see my thoughts and my heart. He KNOWS me intimately, and knows my walk, my thoughts, my motivation, my backstory. He judges with compassion and love.
Another problem with judging is that with judgment comes the telling of who and what has been judged, and why. I guess if your brain judges some one, it needs to tell everyone else what has been decided. How the person has failed, and why, and maybe even what punishment should be given. Then other people chime in on how they feel about that person, how they feel on YOUR judgment, what THEIR judgment would be, and maybe even disagree with the basic judgment which leads to camps of people who agree, disagree, and even divisions within THOSE camps!!!
All based on something that shouldn't have happened in the first place...judging.
I do know that we are to be discerning, to determine what is good for us, what is wrong for us, what hurts us, and what helps us to grow. I am very confused on the line that separates judgment from discernment. Is it the difference between things and people? No...because people are as destructive to us as things. There are people out there that I simply cannot be around because they bring out the very things in me I want to get rid of. There are other people I know, that by just being around me make my life brighter and more focused on Him. I also know it isn't just a matter of living in a bubble and doing what is right for just me, because I do NOT live in a bubble, and what I do does affect others, even if I am not aware of it.
I just really hate seeing a church self destruct through the hurts that judgment puts on it. I hate that little groups get together and discuss other people. I hate that a piece of paper makes some people judge that that person is "worthy" of leading, or the lack of it makes him not worthy. As far as I know, Jesus held no degrees in higher bible teaching. I hate how one discontent group can infect a whole lot of good people. I know that hate is not a good thing, but I am told to hate that which He hates, and I know that he absolutely HATES seeing his people act like little kids trying to be the biggest, baddest bullies on the playground.
I would love to see my church, my body of believers, be a bright shining light that attracts people because of the way they love each other. I would love to be part of that. I also know that we the church are also we the people. People aren't God. I am not good like God. I am not all knowing, like God. I am not as compassionate as God. I am not God. Thank GOD!!!! I am told to be Christ-like, to be a Christ-follower. I am told to be Godly. But never once, that I can find, am I told to BE God.
I also know that getting mad, getting upset when people hurt me is okay. David was very good about calling on Him to kill and destroy his enemies, and God didn't take away his "man after God's heart" award. I don't know that God actually did all the things that David asked Him to do, but he listened to the hurt and the fear that led to David's asking. The only thing is, being hurt and mad can lead me into sin. That is what I have to watch out for. That the hurt and mad I feel will allow me to judge and then try to get back at them, forgetting that He will always avenge and protect me. And his way is ALWAYS better than mine. Thank God!
I can't just pick and choose the people that go to "my" church. Any one is welcomed by Him, and I should be able to allow His people in my "space". God, give me grace. Give me peace. Allow your light to be mine. Protect me in the dark places, and let your goodness shine and let me see that your way is the best way for me.

ouch

I got my hand slapped today. I am realizing that I am not as "finished" with my divorce as I thought I was. I hadn't really let it go. I was stymieing and frustrating my lawyer by not ... well not NOT cooperating. I have really really really good and loving friends, and they "interventioned" me.
This is hard. This isn't my choice, but He who knows better is allowing it to happen to me, and getting me through it. I want a road map, please, God?
Beth Moore has a short series that deals with all kinds of things, and last week it was about wanting. Wanting really bad. Wanting so much it becomes obsessive and unhealthy. When you want something that bad, Satan can use it, as can God. Wanting and obsessing can cause desperation. Decisions made out of desperation are never good ones. I have made some good decisions, but some bad ones, too. I have to let the bad ones go, and move on.
I also have realized that I can't let other people's bad and stupid decisions color my whole life. It is, right now, not just coloring, but blacking out. Depression and menopause have a very strong hold on me. I hide. I ignore. I can't sleep. I obsess. I really really really don't like a few people. They hurt me, on purpose and intentionally. That sucks!!!! If I didn't love them, it wouldn't hurt, right?
How do you stop loving someone? or a bunch of someones? A whole frigging family?
I guess it is not that hard. They managed.
Does that sound bitter? It isn't, not really. I really would like to know how to just turn it all off. 33 years of loving is a long time to just go snap....done. If I can, it would be better, easier for me.
I have LOTS to be grateful for. I do. I know it. Sometimes, though, it is HARD to focus on those things instead of the negatives.
I have plans for you, plans that will help and heal you, not harm you. Those words are precious to me. He has PLANS for me. I just wish He would tell ME what they were.

Change.

I haven't written here for so long I had kinda forgotten about it. Things change and I don't really like it when things do. What if I don't like it? I have changed, and I hope it is for the better. I didn't choose my changing, it was put on me and that was that. I have moved into a new/old home. I have, for the very first time in my life, chosen paint. Every color. And it is color. I didn't want Navajo or Arizona white, I wanted clean colors. My favorites are pink and purple, and I thought about those colors, but the ones I ended up with are not what I thought I would. A pale grey with a purple tinge. Aqua. Deep aqua. Cobalt. Pure white. Magenta. Green. I love it and feel good about it. I have discovered I have never been invested in any of the houses I've lived in. Not ever my choice. I had no opinion because I wasn't good "at that kind of things". I did this with input from friends, but the actual choices were mine. I LOVE my colors and my house.
I took every door off of every kitchen cabinet. I painted inside and out. I choose knobs, I put stuff where I wanted. I spackled hundreds of holes in walls, from little to big. I repaired two window sills. I've painted WAY too much trim. I learned you have to make sure the edge on painting tape is pressed firm or you get bleeding. I learned that paint doesn't have to be perfect to be attractive....it IS a faux finish :). I learned why there are so many sizes and kinds of screwdrivers. What I've learned most of all is that I can do things, and feel good about what I did, even if it isn't perfect, or what someone else could have done better. I didn't wait for someone to do it, I asked for help in learning HOW (Thanks guys at Lowe's ) and found that they were eager to help me, and not once did I feel stupid or inadequate. I think I have more confidence in myself, that I CAN do it, and if I don't like it, it can be redone. I also know I WILL NOT tackle the electric problems, because I don't want to die. I will, however, pay attention and ask questions.
A lot of changes, most of them fairly small. Some huge. The biggest thing is that I am finding me again, and that is an exciting change. I really want to be the person that He intends for me to be. I know that the changes made, and the changes to come, will be to my benefit, and His glory. I still don't like change. Hurts. Excites. Blesses. Becomes real.

not much

Today is a good day. I have stuff to do and I am really sore. A few days ago I walked way to far with a friend, and I should have gradually led up to the 4 miles, not just done it all at once. It felt good, though, and getting back into shape is important to me. I did, then didn't, now I am doing, again. God is good.
It is a pretty day, too, and i am enjoying watching a road runner that has been gathering twigs for the last few days. I haven't found her nest, and probably won't.
I feel good, slept good, am a good sort of sore, and I have my small group tonight.
Today is a good day.

hurray!

Sometimes it is weird, the way my mind works. Even I realize that. I was so worried about Beau and still am, after all he is in Iraq, and it is a war. Anything can happen. At the same time, now, I realize that I am lucky. Lucky. My son is in a relatively safe place, working in a relatively safe hospital. He has access to the internet. I get to talk to him...Yes, talk! because of the wonder of Skype. Last night I got to see him as we talked. He was pixilated and often his mouth was working after I heard words, but there he was, laying on his camo pillow. Scratching his nose. Totally "normal". It was wonderful!
But I feel kind of guilty. I am in a group of mothers of deployed children, and some of them don't have the priveledge of seeing and talking to their kids. Their kids get some computer time, but it is not as easy for them as it is for Beau. He is in a stable area that has internet service. So I am gratefully guilty. I will be giving money to the lady that comes in the bookstore that collects money for soldier's calling cards. I will gratefully give money so that others can hear their loved ones. I never realized how I would miss the sound of Beau's voice. Now I do.
I am very grateful to Skype! They probably did not intend it to be such a boon for families of service people, but it is, and am glad i live in this age, in this country.

Okay

Okay, I think I am going to be okay, maybe, someday. With some wise help I have figured out what my main problem with my meltdown last week was. Grief. The death of a relationship, and my reaction to it. The family that lives here in my town, their rejection of me, I have dealt with. It is, and that is the way it has to be. Their choice. Their yard. My heart had hopes that Deana was different, and even though she hadn't contacted me, had dissed me to my son, I wanted things to be different. When she came to town, didn't contact me, that killed my hopes, and i had to deal with a whole new hurt. Denial of my heart to accept it turned to anger, to grief, to depression, to sadness. Eventually it will be simple acceptance, with the hope that someday? well only He knows the answer to that. I have to say that figuring out the reason does not help with the hurt. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Hope is everything.

whine

This is a bad week. I have been so self-involved because things are happening that hurt me. So, sometimes, it IS about me. My family, the one that I love, that is supposed to be loving me, has cast me out. Because my husband is choosing to divorce me. My motherinlaw, who says I am not an "inlaw" but just her daughter has not talked to me for almost a year. She lived close. She goes to the same church. My sisters, who I consider sisters, not IL, don't talk to me. They are in town, and don't contact me. I am devistated. This has been ongoing, but the reality of them coming into town, and not calling me is worse than I thought it would be. I feel rejected not just by HWINM, but by a whole family I thougt of as mine. 31 years, just thrown out like I am garbage. I HURT and I am MAD. My "family" are mostly Christians who speak of God and love but who are showing me not even the love they would show a stranger. I HURT! I PRAY! I CRY. One thing I don't do is ask God to hurt them, or "show" them, or in any way pray about them in a negative way. I still pray for their healing, I still pray for their hurts and wounds to be healed. I pray for their wellbeing. I love them, still. I told a friend I wished I had done something horrible so that their attitude would make some kind of sense to me. I am moving on, I am getting stronger, I am letting it, and them go, but it is hard.
Scrivner Family: Go in love, go in peace, God bless you all, richly. Amen
It is done.