hurray!

Sometimes it is weird, the way my mind works. Even I realize that. I was so worried about Beau and still am, after all he is in Iraq, and it is a war. Anything can happen. At the same time, now, I realize that I am lucky. Lucky. My son is in a relatively safe place, working in a relatively safe hospital. He has access to the internet. I get to talk to him...Yes, talk! because of the wonder of Skype. Last night I got to see him as we talked. He was pixilated and often his mouth was working after I heard words, but there he was, laying on his camo pillow. Scratching his nose. Totally "normal". It was wonderful!
But I feel kind of guilty. I am in a group of mothers of deployed children, and some of them don't have the priveledge of seeing and talking to their kids. Their kids get some computer time, but it is not as easy for them as it is for Beau. He is in a stable area that has internet service. So I am gratefully guilty. I will be giving money to the lady that comes in the bookstore that collects money for soldier's calling cards. I will gratefully give money so that others can hear their loved ones. I never realized how I would miss the sound of Beau's voice. Now I do.
I am very grateful to Skype! They probably did not intend it to be such a boon for families of service people, but it is, and am glad i live in this age, in this country.

Okay

Okay, I think I am going to be okay, maybe, someday. With some wise help I have figured out what my main problem with my meltdown last week was. Grief. The death of a relationship, and my reaction to it. The family that lives here in my town, their rejection of me, I have dealt with. It is, and that is the way it has to be. Their choice. Their yard. My heart had hopes that Deana was different, and even though she hadn't contacted me, had dissed me to my son, I wanted things to be different. When she came to town, didn't contact me, that killed my hopes, and i had to deal with a whole new hurt. Denial of my heart to accept it turned to anger, to grief, to depression, to sadness. Eventually it will be simple acceptance, with the hope that someday? well only He knows the answer to that. I have to say that figuring out the reason does not help with the hurt. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Hope is everything.

whine

This is a bad week. I have been so self-involved because things are happening that hurt me. So, sometimes, it IS about me. My family, the one that I love, that is supposed to be loving me, has cast me out. Because my husband is choosing to divorce me. My motherinlaw, who says I am not an "inlaw" but just her daughter has not talked to me for almost a year. She lived close. She goes to the same church. My sisters, who I consider sisters, not IL, don't talk to me. They are in town, and don't contact me. I am devistated. This has been ongoing, but the reality of them coming into town, and not calling me is worse than I thought it would be. I feel rejected not just by HWINM, but by a whole family I thougt of as mine. 31 years, just thrown out like I am garbage. I HURT and I am MAD. My "family" are mostly Christians who speak of God and love but who are showing me not even the love they would show a stranger. I HURT! I PRAY! I CRY. One thing I don't do is ask God to hurt them, or "show" them, or in any way pray about them in a negative way. I still pray for their healing, I still pray for their hurts and wounds to be healed. I pray for their wellbeing. I love them, still. I told a friend I wished I had done something horrible so that their attitude would make some kind of sense to me. I am moving on, I am getting stronger, I am letting it, and them go, but it is hard.
Scrivner Family: Go in love, go in peace, God bless you all, richly. Amen
It is done.

I am sooo tired of being tired. I need to sleep, but I can't turn my brain off, and wouldn't you know, it is always ALWAYS negative. Satan in all his glory. Making me less than I am, less than i could or should be. Putting his nasty two cents in and somehow overwriting all the possitive things that I am doing for myself, though Him that gives me strenth. I am learning to meditate, I am learning to chant my mantra to myself, i am learning that doing the times table throught the 12's is helpful. I can't hear him if i am concentrating on numbers. As my friend Joanne says, numbers never lie. If I listen to numbers, think of them, then truth wins over Satan's lies. Truth always always wins, but sometimes it takes longer than i want. Beth Moore, a Christian women's leader says that MY truth is the sum of my experiences and thoughts. God's truth is imutable. My truth, alone, can be wrong, and even a big lie, but His truth is always the only truth. It is only through His truth that mine can be brought into line with what is the whole truth. I think I have a lot to work on, giving Him my experiences so that the light shines and turns my truth into our truth.